Men

There is something about a man that comforts me. I think it goes back to childhood. I've always been looking for that father fiqure. I never really knew my father growing up and longed for a strong man to be in my life. I grew up really fast. I never got to experience life as a child. I looked at an adult life with childish eyes. I thought I knew it all, but in retrospect I was very naive. I never really had good dealings with men. My absent father being the first one, but on top of that I was molested by my uncle. I've never really told anyone that. I told my mother once but she didn't seem to interested. So I just kept it bottled up. Thats how my life has always been. I really have always had to fend for myself. I had to be strong. Everyone else has problems also. Without being loved by my father and being molested by my uncle I have always equated love with sex. Sex is love; and love is sex...it really went hand in hand.

My very first BF. His name is Troy Lee Bell, and boy did I love him. He loved me also. He listened, he took care of me, he held me when I cried, he protected me, but most of all he validated me. At least thats what I thought then. I did any and everything to keep his love, and attention. I need a father fiqure. I needed him, my life would be incomplete without him. We ended very badly and don't talk to this day, and I'm still very scared. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. It is definatly because of these three men of my past that I have unsuccessfull dealings with men in my present.

After Troy and lots of what I thought was healing, I met Jared. At the time who I thought was the love of my life. It's so funny that I say that, I really never even knew him, but I needed him to feel validated. I can't anything bad about him. He's great and I'm sooo happy that he's finally found the man of his dreams and is happy also. For a long time, I wasn't over him. He was the center of my life. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about him. I think I hid my obbsession pretty well. I needed him. I don't anymore. I only think of him, when something triggers a memory. Getting over him was a difficult experience. He was the first man that treated me well, that I had to get over. Thats harder than most think. It was a long and bumpy road, but I finally made it to the other side. As I type this I'm sitting here smiling about how happy he is(from what I hear) with Ben. I wish them all the best. Stay Blessed Jared.

Even with the successfull transition from Jared into my own life, I find that I still have these issues. It dawned on me last night that I was lonely...truley loney and it hit my like a ton of bricks. I longed for the emotional connection that I had with Troy and Jared. Unfortunatly that connection had to show up in Marks body. When I first met him nothing about him attracted me sexually, but we bonded so deeply and so quickly that I developed feelings for him. It just really goes back to my early dealings with men. He's become that man I needed when I was a child. The man that I know will protect me, the man that I know would do anything for me. He's great. But there are a few problems. The first being that he's just not into me. Which I understand. I wasn't into him either, but he really reached my soul. He's very popular, and I'm always made to feel like that tagalong or the bitch. I don't think it's intentional but hell, maybe it is. I'm definatly not in love, in lust or is this infactuation. I really don't know what it is.

All of my life, I've been the mother, the nuturer, the shoulder to cry on. I need to do that to feel wanted, and to feel loved. So it was only inevitable that as soon as Mark and I connected, I got confused. He's the other part that I don't have and need. He confident, strong, outspoken, he's everything that I've always needed in my life. It's alot of pressure I know...and I hate myself for putting this on him. I know where he is, I know who he wants to be with, and it's definatly not me. He's just another man that I need to get over.

Mark, I wish you the best in all that you do. I hope that you can deal with all my shit. I need you in my life. One day things will be much better for the both of us, and we can truley move on as friends. Ask Jared. But for now, I need to be the one doing the crying. I need to be the one who has someone there for me. I can't take on everyones problems anymore, especially when there is noone to help with mine. Not even me.

I'm changing, I'm getting stroner, wiser, and more mature as the days go on. Sure it's going slowly but I can't wait until I crossed this road. I only hope that I have a few people on the other side waiting.