Girls suck

Why do gay guys have female friends. I'll tell you why? We're crazy...we're fucked up, we're glutons for punishment. Need I say more.

Ok, here's the thing-I have alot of friends that tell me that they have a hard time figuring girls out. I tell them "What's to figure out, either they're crazy, or they suck, plain and simple." Neither side of that dichotomy is exactly something you'd want to spend the rest of your life with is it? But it's the truth, and I'm going to try to give several examples to back up my point. And I dont want to hear that shit about guys perceiving girls differently, and the basic sociological differences that go all the way back to when we were less evolved, and Men are from Mars, blah blah blah...folks, its all about perception, and my perception is that girls will either bore you to death, or scare the living piss out of you with their insanity. I will now proceed to give examples that span my entire post-pubescent life.


When I was 12, I had my first and only girlfriend, Nikki. (You can tell where this is going just from that ungodly name) This was my first love. All 5 days of it. She was from out of town and staying with a local cousin. A friend and I vied for her affections over the course of 15 minutes, and in true Survivor fashion, she voted HIM off instead of me. She pretty much is the classic prototype for the boring girl that lures you in with her cuteness. And yes, I told her I loved her, but I was 12, and had never even touched a girl, so who can blame me? Andway, the point is, as you wil later find out, she brought nothing to the table, and I would have become bored with her in another week. Nothing terribly wrong with her, but she didnt exactly make you wonder "What makes this girl tick?" She was one of those girls that has such a lack of allure, the most provacative thought you could think about her was "I wonder what she's having for lunch?"

We'll skip ahead to high school for example #2 since I didnt exactly tear it up in years 12-15 to Jessica. She was 2 years younger than I was, but she was mysterious. Key note for all you guys out there, if a girl's mysterious at first, get the hell out of there because, in 2 weeks, that "mysterious" adjective will quickly turn into "insane". Granted we were only friends because I was clearly gay by then, she still treated me like her "property". Girls it was not cute.

Then there was Katie, a wholesome girl, who was the quintessential "good girl". Well, I was feeling guilty about myself for having started smoking pot and drinking, so I was drawn to her out of my own insecurity. Boring as hell. She had dreams of becoming a psychologist, and making good grades in college. God I can't even go on, I'm embarassed writing about it some 7 years later. We are no longer friends.

I'll skip ahead to Elisabeth, since she is the poster girl for Insanity. I only became her friend because she was simply the hottest girl I had ever met. Great reason for getting into a friendship with an emotional trainwreck, huh?

Which leads me to a sort of sidenote on this one, I think I'll list a few warning signs to avoid when you meet a new girl and she comes across as "mysterious". If you hear any of these key words/phrases, get the hell out of there, I'm not even kidding. Because, soon enough, you'll be sitting in a completely dark apartment, shades down, gripping a 9 iron, looking at a caller ID that has 47 consecutive "No Number Listed" entries on it. Anyway, here's a short list:


A parent is dead (bonus points here for a parent that has comitted suicide, ESPECIALLY if that parent was the father)

A history of sexual abuse (hey, it may be fun at first, but is it really worth that look from your mother when you introduce her?)

An overabundance of guy friends (the only girls I'm still friends with are fag hags, so I'm just saying...)

Strange religious preference

Past suicide attempts (I know, a no brainer)

Anyway, I'm sure alot of these are obvious, but the fact reamins that I have friends with each of these qualities, and I still got drawn in.

Now, on to the more common subject. The boring girls. The ones who bring nothing to the table. Not as bad as the insane girls, as they actually take things off the table (and usually throw them at you), but still bad nonetheless. The boring girls seems great at first, and hey, they're safe, and usually some innocent part of me connects to them, but the fact remains: most girls have nothing substantial to talk about. The examples are too numerous to list, but there are a few common attributes. They all like to "go out". They all like shitty music, usually a mix of alot of annoying genres, like top 40, some country, and dance music. And most of them make some lame attempt to show everybody how extraordinary they are, like they realize that they're lame as hell so they have to add some little wrinkle. Such as:

"Hey, I like football, isn't that what guys want?

"I'm such a smartass aren't I?"

"Look at how much I can drink"

"Check out the filthy mouth on me"

"I was in a sorority"

Ughhh. Lame girls trying to be cool are some of the most wretched things on Earth. Why can they not be normal? If I knew, I'd genetically engineer one that would be normal, but I have no idea what causes it. Alas, I may never know it.

Anyway, don't think I've given up on girls. All my friends will now be guys. Gay guys at that.

(P.S.> I know this is rambling and jumps from subjects and isnt really even very complete, but hey, if it were, I'd be publishing books by now. I don't claim to be a good writer)